The Evil
by Beeb Maxwell Marie Felton
Summary: Two Evil junior reporters cause vast destruction, disorder and chaos as they mercilessly interview each of the defensless HP characters. Language and stupidity. R&R. Pweeze? More chapters to come.
1. The Horror at Ollivanders Pt1

Story Title: The Evil  
Chapter Title: The Horror at Ollivanders  
By: Beeb Maxwell and Marie Felton  
Rating: PG-13 (for many, many things.hehehe.)  
Warnings: Cursing, Crude humor, needless bashing of characters, utter  
stupidity. Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter and most of the other crap that pops up in here. I own myself (Beeb), and all my evil accessories, and some goes  
for Marie. We do own the plot.  
  
Both: Hi! This is Junior Reporters, Marie Felton and Beeb Maxwell, here at Diagon Alley!  
  
Beeb: I'm a 15-year-old Freshman and an Aries, not to mention an evil super genius with a big mouth and sick sense of humor. I'm addicted to Korn, porn, and Gundam Wing.  
  
Marie: Actually, she's just scary.  
  
Beeb: Oh, this is Marie. She likes her medication.  
  
Marie: (Twitches in a delighted manner.) I need coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. COFFEE!! I'm.er.14.coffee!!.um.am a.Gemini. Coffee. Where's my coffee damn it!!  
  
Beeb: Hehehe.as you can see, we probably both belong in happy acres, but it's sooo much more fun out here in the free world where we can torment people with our superior intelligence and Ryoko-like super powers.  
  
Marie: Ah, crap. I burned my tongue on this stupid coffee. Oh no. I'm sorry coffee, I didn't mean it!!!  
  
Beeb: Yes, frightening, is it not? Well, enough of that, on to the interviewing! First we'll pay Mr. Ollivander's a visit!  
  
Marie: Coffee!!  
  
The girls are now to be seen creeping along the outer wall of Ollivanders shop, Mission Impossible 2 style, with Marie holding a cup of coffee, but twitching so badly that she dumped most of it. She was also occasionally muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "coffee".  
Meanwhile Beeb is opening the door to Ollivanders shop, thinking innocently of what sort of wand she might get. Suddenly, she notices the audience/cameraman/you, the reader, and grins hugely.  
  
Beeb: Welcome back! We are now at Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.! Now where's our proprieter. (looks around in a devious fashion.) Oh, THERE he is! (spots him at about the same time he spots her. He suddenly curls into a fetal posistion and slowly backs into a corner, his face a mask of horror.)  
  
Ollivander: The Evil. I can feel it.Eeevil.  
  
Beeb: (concerned) Mr. Ollivander, are you all right? Would you like a dog biscuit? (pulls one out of her pocket and tries to coax him out of the corner with it.)  
  
Ollivander: (eyes get big) I smell (sniff, sniff).I smell (sniff, sniff).I smell (sniff, sniff). COFFEEEE!!!! (Pounces on Marie and tries to pry the nearly empty coffee cup from her hands; she gets a mildly surprised look on her face and then begins to fight like a wild.er.cat.)  
  
Beeb: (watches them wrestle for upwards of half an hour, occasionally sighing and checking her watch. Finally, she storms over and pulls them apart angrily.) Marie complys. Beeb offers said coffee cup to Ollivander.) Okay, Ollivander! If you give us wands, free of charge, you can have the coffee and we'll let you live. (Ollivander looks happy.)  
  
Marie: (Makes complaining noises.)  
  
Beeb: (Mutters to her out of the side of her mouth) If you shut up, I'll give you a Mr. Coffee for Christmas.  
  
Marie: Yay! (Pumps her fists into the air)  
  
Three hours later and after vast destruction to Ollivanders shop, the girls left happily with brand new (actually, their first ever) wands.  
  
Ollivander: (standing amidst the rubble. He wipes his sleeve across his forehead.) Whew! Their gone! Finally, their gone!  
  
Beeb and Marie: (Burst into the shop.)  
  
Marie: Hey, we forgot to interview you!  
  
Ollivander: (Drops to his knees and throws his head back.) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. The Horror at Ollivanders Pt2

Title: The Evil Chapter 2 : The Horror at Ollivanders Pt. 2 Rated: PG-13 (this will be very necessary later on; rating might even go up!) Warnings: Naughty language; sick insinuations; excessive drinking of coffee; mentions of "medication"; senseless violence; needless bashing of characters; and, though it annoys many people, self insertion. But we're funny and bash ourselves, plus this is *our * fic, so bite it! There is constant stupidity ,and later on possible slash and/or near-lemons. Maybe. So be forewarned. Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter ; Gundam Wing (though I'd like a couple of the pilots) ;Tenchi Muyo ; The Nightmare Before Christmas; Edward Scissorhands ; The Simpsons; Johnny The Homicidal Maniac; Playboy and/or girl magazines; Highlights for Kids magazine; KoRn; Elvis Presley; System of a Down; Ozzy Osbourne; Hot Topic; Toys 'R' Us; K-Mart; Denny's; Popeyes Chicken; or Subway(or it's diet). Santa Claus owns himself, the North Pole, and his reindeer. The Evil Squirrels own themselves and their empire. The Martians aren't mine either and they come from Mars, which we don't own. We don't own the Macarena or the can-can. I don't own a handgun or a laptop, I stole them from Heero Yuy and will probably die for it. We do not own sporks. They are trademark of the genius who invented them. I would like a spork, and I do own one in here. I own myself(Beeb), my wand, my magical bottomless backpack and most of what comes out of it aside from Ozzy and the Deathscythe Hell Custom. Marie says I own her. Actually she owns herself(Marie: No I don't! It's a lie!), her handy-dandy little notebook, her medication(Marie: ooooohh.medication.COFFEE!), a wand, and later on a Mr. Coffee. (Marie: Yay!!)  
However, we're poor(both curse) and if you sue us all you'll get is a couple of sporks and some coffee grounds. (Marie: No not my coffee grounds!!!!). Not worth your trouble.  
Now on with the show!  
  
CameraMan: (Zooms in on two girls standing in what remains of Ollivanders shop. One is short and skinny, with pale skin, excessive amounts of bushy, brown hair and almond-shaped hazel eyes behind spectacles. She is clad from head to toe in black and red and grips a long skinny wand in one hand. The other is taller and more, ahem, full-figured, with more normal skin color, equally bushy but shorter brown hair and green eyes. She's lucky enough to not wear glasses. She grips a small green notebook in one hand and a half- full cup of coffee in the other. She is twitching so badly that she's dumped most of it down her vivid green robes. Due to lack of free hands, her wand is clasped between her teeth.)  
  
Beeb(the little, pale, bespectacled one): (Notes your arrival and grins in a way that would send Lord Voldie screaming for his mommy.) Hi! Welcome back, we are still at  
  
Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.! Low and behold, as we are preparing to interview Mr. Ollivander.(Gestures passionately towards their victim.)  
  
Ollivander(the victim): ( Is bound tightly to an uncomfortable-looking chair, with a strip of duct-tape slapped across his mouth.)Mr mmble muh mi mr mleh! (looks terrified.)  
  
Marie(the larger, green-clad, twitching one):(chuckles darkly and opens her handy-dandy little notebook in a threatening manner.)  
  
Beeb:(adopts an authoritive, Evil-looking stance that is commonly found among military leaders and much-feared Dark Lords.) Sooo...Where were you on the night of June 17th, 1983? Hm ? Speak up. What's that? I can't HEAR you! (shines a light in the poor man's eyes.)  
  
Ollivander and Marie: (sweatdrops) Marie: Um. Coffee. Maybe you should. Coffee! Take off the. Where's my frickin' coffee! Tape.  
  
Beeb:(grins sheepishly) Oh ye-eah! (rips off the tape.)  
  
Ollivander: YeeOWCH! My face!  
  
Beeb: What's your name? (duh)  
  
Ollivander: Um..  
  
Beeb: What grade are you in? (W.T.F.!)  
  
Ollivander: er..  
  
Beeb: Zodiac sign?  
  
Ollivander: Virg-  
  
Beeb: Your age?  
  
Ollivander: Two-thousand, four-hundred and three! (Wow, he finally gets a word in edgewise!)  
  
Beeb:(curious) Really?  
  
Ollivander: Yes! See the sign?! See! It says "since 382 B.C." I was 18 when I started the business.  
  
Beeb: Oh. You don't look that old. What's your favorite food?  
  
Ollivander: Sp-  
  
Beeb: color?  
  
Ollivander: Bl-  
  
Beeb: Marital status?  
  
Ollivander: (Thinks this could be a good chance to "get some" and tries to look cool and casual) Well, I-  
  
Beeb: Feelings towards World Domination?  
  
Ollivander: Ah-  
  
Beeb: THE WORLD IS MINE! AS IN NOT YOURS! AS IN YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! MINE, ALL MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Marie (Who has been jolting down answers): (winces) And they say I'm the crazy one. Coffee..  
  
Beeb: And one last question. Why the HELL does everybody like coffee?!  
  
Ollivander: (Slightly frightened) Ah, well.  
  
Marie: Cause coffee is frickin' awesome!!! COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ollivander: Yeah!  
  
Beeb: (Pulls out wand and Obliviates Ollivander.)  
  
Marie: Why the. Coffee. Hell did you do that?  
  
Beeb: Always wondered what it felt like to completely erase an innocent person's memory. I could have Avada Kedavra'd him, ya know.  
  
Marie: (Is nervous because Beeb looks like she's considering it.) Uh. Coffee. Let's just go find someone else to interview. COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
END!!  
  
Beeb: Yay! Second chappie, woohoo! Wasn't it awful? We only had like, one reviewer so far. So although we promised more chappies, we wont update again until we get at least a couple more! Hah!!! Chappie 3 will be "Voldie gets spork'd", but that will only be if and when we get a decent amount of reviews. We welcome flames, though they will be used to roast marshmallows and Relina Piece-crap. (HP fans who have no clue what she's talking about or don't like Gundam Wing either face-vault or ask their neighbors what's going on.) And thank you Miste for actually reading and reviewing this crap. Keep reading and tell your friends!! By the way I'm doing the (a/n)'s and stuff cuz' Marie claims she sucks at 'em. But pretty soon I'll force her to do one!  
  
Marie: Eeep!! (Runs and hides in closet, but has a blowtorch with her just in case Beeb manages to chew through all the padlocks on the door.) COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. Voldie gets Spork'd

Title: The Evil Chapter: Chappie 3, Voldie gets spork'd Rated: Pg-13, just incase the inevitable happens. Warnings: Language, violence, character bashing, insinuations of...stuff, self insertion, and all sorts of stuff, sooner or later. Lots of mentions and tie-ins of non-HP things. Possible future slash. Disclaimer: "Like, throw me a frickin' bone here." If I owned Harry Potter, no one would have read it. We don't own Harry Potter or most of the other crap that will eventually show up in here, either. If you sue us, all you'll get is me trying (in vain) to sing the "Mr. Rogers" song from "Life is Peachy" by KoRn. Scary. An extremely nervous cameraman zooms in on two impatient teenage girls sitting in a dark corner in a busy Subway's, trying to look mysterious. Beeb( The anorexic-looking one who's never seen daylight): ( Checks watch) Bastard's late. Where the heck is he? We have a time limit, ya know! Marie (She-Who-Twitches-Profusely): No we don't. I need coffee. Beeb: (Mutters darkly) Waiter! Over here! Waiter: (Lurches over looking distracted) Whadda ya want? We're kinda busy. (Scratches a big pimple on his nose.) Marie: I want some coffee. Please. And I would like some coffee. And also some coffee. Now is better than later. Waiter: Sorry, the fat guy at table 3 has dibs on what's left. Marie: I don't CARE who has dibs on the last bit of coffee! It's mine not his, now give me my damn coffee! NOW!!! Before I beat the SHIT out of you! (innocently) Please. Waiter: (looks at Marie warily) Right....Security! Marie: Avada Kedavra! Waiter: (Falls over.) Marie: Heeheehee.. ( Tiptoes up to the fat guy at table 3 and taps him on the shoulder.) Fat Guy at Table 3: Yes? (mumbled through a mouthful of scrambled eggs.) Marie: Avada Kedavra! Fat Guy at Table 3: ( also falls over, causing earthquake-like tremors which in turn cause moderate destruction throughout the restaurant which also causes most of the ignorant muggles to run away screaming about the Apocalypse.) Marie: (calmly pours herself a cup of coffee and walks back to the table, oblivious to the crumbling walls and numerous corpses.) Beeb: (looks at her blankly) Ya know, I think your medication is helping. Marie: Yummy! Voldemort: (walks in, his cloak swirling impressively. He looks around at the destruction, mildly surprised.) Hey, what's with all the stiffs? I haven't been here yet! Marie: Coffee. Beeb: They're hers. Marie: Yummy. Voldemort: I don't want to know. (clears his throat) Well, fellow followers of Darkness, I commend you on this vulgar display of Evil. In time, you may possibly gain such power as to strike terror in the hearts of all, such as I have done. However, if that is to happen, keep in mind that I am the great and mighty Lord Voldemort, and all shall bow before me and beg my mercy. Now join my Legion of Darkness or die! Marie: Will there be coffee involved? Voldemort: How else do we stay up all night thinking up our devious schemes? Marie: (slaps the table with her hand) Boo-yeah! I'm in! Yay for coffee! Beeb, how about you? Beeb: And you expected less? Besides, what's an Evil organization without an Evil super-genius such as myself? Marie: I wouldn't know, now would I? Beeb: Naw, you wouldn't.( kinda the way Lestat says it on The Queen of the Damned when that dude brings in those chics for his "breakfast". The book was good, the sound track was sorta okay, and would have been better if Jonathon Davis actually sang on it, but the movie more or less blew. ) Soooooo-ooo. Are we gonna interview or what?( rubs hands together mischievously) Marie: I don't know, are we? Beeb: Yes, we are. Marie: (whips out her handy-dandy li'l notebook, puts down her coffee cup, and adopts a serious-looking expression.) Beeb: Ahem. So, what are we supposed to call you? Voldemort: Well, as I'm sure you know, I have many, many names. My birth- name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. In childhood I had many loving nicknames such as brat, midget, scrotum-licker, and Marvolo Retardo. In my pursuit of power I dubbed myself Lord Voldemort, but due to the terror commonly associated with the name, most call me by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The Dark Lord, and a number of other such titles. I believe that near the end of Book 5, that Fudge character called me Lord Thingy. But I would appreciate it if you didn't. Beeb: O-kay. Can we call you Voldie-Poo? Voldemort (maybe Voldie-Poo): No. Beeb: Okay Voldie-Poo! Voldie-Poo: (sighs) Marie (who has finished her coffee): Voldie-Poo, where's the coffee? Voldie-Poo: (sweat-drops, mutters, and materializes a pot of coffee in front of her.) Marie: Yahoo! Coffee coffee coffee! (drinks it all in one sitting and starts twitching.) Beeb: Right, continuing! So how old are you? Voldie-Poo: 66. I think. Beeb: Well, a bit more believable than Ollivander, eh? Marie: HaHaHaHa! You're so funny! HaHaHaHa! Voldie-Poo: (incredulous look) Righ..t. (think Dr. Evil..Sorry, I just watched Austin Powers. Great movie.) Beeb: What's you're favorite food? Voldie-Poo: Sushi. Marie: Eeeew! Voldie-Poo: Oh, shut up. Marie: Noooooooooooooo! You can't make me! Beeb: (murmurs from side of mouth) Mr. Coffee.. Marie: (gulps) right..okay..um..yum! Sushi! Beeb: (sighs) Feelings towards same-sex relationships? Voldie-Poo: oh.um.er.well, you see.uh.confidentially speaking.ah.YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?!? LIES, ALL LIES I TELL YOU, LIES! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING! SEVERUS WAS DRUNK AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE, I SWEAR! Marie: Sure.(whispers) coffee. Voldie-Poo: Frickin' homophobes! Beeb: Hey, who you callin' a homophobe? If ya don't sit down and shut up, I'll spork ya! Voldie-Poo: (wondering if he heard correctly) You'll.spork me? What the hell? Beeb: (pulls out spork) Bwahahaha! Yes, I'll spork your ass! I took lessons from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and I could disembowel you in 2 seconds flat with this baby! Voldie-Poo(who has read the comics): (backs away nervously) Beeb:( brandishes her spork) Sit! Voldie-Poo: (sits) Beeb: Good boy! (gives him a doggy biscuit) Voldie-Poo: (sighs in defeat and takes a bite) Marie: Hurray for our team, hurray hurray! Voldie-Poo: (turns paler than he normally is and his eyes start to bulge) Blegh.what is.this.No! Its milk flavored! Poison! Mutiny! Death! NOOOOOO!!!(begins to melt) Beeb: Dude.(where's my car? Wha? Hey! Stop it! WHY is it always tomatoes?) Voldie-Poo: (is quickly becoming a puddle of goo) I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world.. Marie: Sweet! Voldie-Poo-the-Puddle-of -Goo :(Hey, that rhymes! Huh? Stop it! Ack! My spleen!) *blurp* Beeb: Well, that was. different.(puts away spork) Marie: Yeah.(twitches) Beeb: .. Marie: .. Beeb: Er. Maybe we should ..you know..go? Marie: We probably should. Coffee. Both: (walk out of the restaurant lamely) End! (A/N) Beeb:(is sitting on the floor with her back against the closet door, casually gnawing on a padlock) Howdy-doo, friends 'n neighbors! Just to let ya all know, MARIE is going to do this whether she likes it or not. But as she's preoccupied at the moment, I'll say a couple things first. First off, we've gotten really pathetic numbers (cough:none:cough) of reviews, so we're basically posting this out of boredom and the goodness of our hearts.(snort, snicker).But please, please I beg of you *please* review! (clears throat) Also, if you did review (which you didn't) , a thousand thank-yous to you, my friend! Also, if you have an under-average vocabulary, the "homophobe" comment was not against gays, but against the anti-gays, so if you're gay, you have no need to flame me over that. Actually, if you did flame me it would be kinda nice, I need a good laugh now and then. And as for you Voldie-Poo fans, don't worry; he'll be back as soon as he gets his allergy medicine. (heheh. allergic to milk... What? It could happen. Not very likely though..) Just keep in mind, this is all done out of fun. Marie, take over! Marie: (is crouched in the back corner of the closet with a death grip on her blow-torch.) It broke! My frickin' pencil broke! Oh, well. I'm going to be shocked. Woo-hoo! Scary, ain't it? Shock therapy. Yay! Beeb (who is now wearing a white lab coat which, when coupled with her spectacles and frizzy hair, pulled off the Mad-Scientist look quite well) Electrocution! Nyahahahaha! (She wires Marie up with electrodes and turns her Jolt-Master 2000 up full blast). Marie: Guess what? I'm out of the closet! Yay! Beeb: (face-vaults, wondering if anyone else might have caught the possible double meaning of that statement). Heheh..I finally chewed through all them damned padlocks. I have strong teeth! Marie: Shock me shock me! Now! Beeb: Later. (note to the audience: this is not only pointless, but it sounds kinky, too!) Marie: Damnit. This is all actually happening at Beeb's apartment as we speak. (Well, it's not really her apartment, it's her mommy's.) Beeb: Leave my mommy outta this! Marie: (this is our actual conversation) Shock me now, please. Beeb: (muttered) Whoa, down boy! (clears throat) Marie: I'm not a boy! Beeb: (wiggles eyebrows) Who said I was talking to *you*? Hey, stop eating my hair! Marie: It's not my fault. The fan's blowing it into my mouth. So as you can see, it's not my fault, but the fan's fault. COFFEE! It's going in my nose now. You might want to wash it tonight. Beeb: Yeah, but seeing as I'm poor and it was your nose, you're paying for the shampoo. Both: (consider their less-than-bloated pocketbooks.hell, they don't even have pocketbooks!) Marie: I want a pocketbook! NOW! Coffee! Beeb: Wait till Christmas. Yeah.er, this is getting kinda long; the cameraman is falling asleep. Cameraman: (jerks up) Huh.who.what.when.where.why.how.? Are y'all done yet? I have a date at the gay bar. Guy-in-High-Heels-With-Lotsa-Make-Up: (walks up and puts an arm around the cameraman's waist) Hey baby-cakes, if you don't hurry up we'll, like, so miss the male strippers! Cameraman: I'm sorry baby, I just need a new job. These *women* are crazy! Marie: Hey, I resemble that remark! (then, in a sing-song voice ) co~ffee.! Cameraman and "Girlfriend": (frolick off in some random direction giggling girlishly.) END! ( and this time I mean it damnit!) Marie: (singing) Green Acres is the place to be. Farm livin' is the life for- Beeb: MARIE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! Marie: (also musically) Coming! End! For now anyways. 


End file.
